SHORT STORIES

THE CATERING OF THE LORD

We have not yet investigated every thing into the business of catering. Many scholars have plunged into this issue and they get out with more doubts than before. This is due mainly to the complexities of the matter and a lack of inspiration.
    Following the Gen. 4, 4 to 7, we all know that Abel brought unto the Lord the firstlings of his flock and the fat thererof. And the Lord was pleased with Abel and his offering. But unto Cain and his offering he was not pleased. And Cain was very wroth and his countenance fell. Why art you so angry? And why you put this fallen face unto me? Asked the Lord. If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? And if thou does not well, sin lieth at the door and unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.
    Well, when a god talks to us we are never sure which is exactly He saying. To be sure of that, one only had to read the words in King James's version. The problem here, the original sin of this story, comes to us that all this could be a real problem of catering. The Lord had a weakness for the meat of sheep and goats and used to relish with fruition the rising fumes full with the fat burning scents. Moreover, he felt a clear distaste before the veggie foods, roots and bread. Cain had not yet invented the butter buns, even the junk food or the pastries. These were very hard times for the farmers who tilled the earth.
    To say it in two words, Cain was getting very fed up with his brother who day by day was becoming the sweetest apple unto the eyes of the Lord. As he was getting upset with the behaviour of the Lord, he was feeling an understandable hate for the son of a bitch of his brother. So, one day he could not stand him any more and invited his brother for a walk into the countryside. At that time, they were living together in a flat in Las Vegas. Once in the desert he killed his brother with a large flint knife he had. I was a terrible knife with a murderous sharp edge.
    Some experts, it seems to me that they were mostly unbelievers, think that this story is like an echo of the murderous fights between shepherds and tillers. This all happened in ancient times, of course. Moreover these experts say that Jehovah was the god of the shepherds and we do not know yet what was the real name of the tillers' god. And they top the story by saying that there is no doubt that the Lord hates vegetables.

What is the moral of this story? You must make yourself sure of which are the tastes about food of your God. If you light a sacred fired unto the altar of the Lord it is of no use to put a donut on the fire. What am I saying "it is not use"? It could be a very bad idea, and very dangerous indeed, if it happens that the Lord hates burnt donuts. For the same reason you must guess what does He likes best. So you must avoid serve him any salads, or asparagus whatever, even if they are from a Salt Lake City's vegetable garden, for the fear of being rebuffed for this wicked action. In such a case, thou shalt not put your finest "olive oil", even if it is a real "virgin oil", on those veggies to make them more palatable unto the Lord. I am going to repeat myself for you to remember; the Lord surely hates the vegetables.

Suppose we got a jumbo plane and the Lord comes into it. Which catering should we have to serve unto the Lord? Then all this insipid stuff you put on the trays in the planes and this obnoxious coffee… well, all this stuff is clearly out of question. We can not serve him pork meet, because he is the God of Middle East shepherds which only tend sheep and goats. You must keep this clear in mind. So forget all this insipid cooked ham, all the miserable salads, the soft drinks and all those fucked German wines in little bottles.
    I want to think that you have the good sense of giving unto Him the best place in business class. It is preferable to choose a sit with wide space so as the Lord could rest his legs straight and put the back of the sit farther back and down for He could rest peacefully or take a nap.

Therefore, woe be tide you of being so mean a bastard as to give unto the Lord a tourist class sit. He could possible not stand all these mean dudes smoking inside the plane in spite of being forbidden. This is very dangerous as He can fulminate them with his lightning in a flash of divine ire. This event could be very dangerous for the flight of the plane. The cabin pressure could suddenly fall off to less than five hundred millibars and this would trigger the ejection of the oxygen mask. Also the delicate sensors of craft and the computers on board could fail because the powerful radiation sent in all directions by the divine lightning.
    Some of the passengers could get abducted by the powerful stream of air rushing out the plane on the hole made on the fuselage. These unfortunate smokers would found themselves floating on the frost air at fourteen thousand feet of high. This was already envisioned and desired by those that were suffering of asthma in the plane.
    This is only one of the worst evens that could happen to you when the Lord is on board your plane.

Summing up, we are not yet quite sure about the catering for the Lord who has such a strong taste for foods. Perhaps we could make a barbecue of lamb ribs and tender hind legs, letting all the sweet smoke of the fat flying freely unto the cabin as to make Lord mouth-watering the roast.
    As for the wine, I think it is advisable that they would be kosher. I do not imagine the Lord drinking other wine than kosher. So forget all those fantasies about Champagne, Cognac, or even the most subtle spirits like Kentucky's Bourbon or any old whiskeys either Scottish or even Irish you are keeping tight for the wealthy. As far as I know, the Lord has not a buck but you should treat him as if He were the very Bill Gates. On the other hand, I never heard anybody to say that these Champagne, old whiskies and other were kosher drinks. So be watchful. You could fall into disgrace together with ship that it is on your charge.

I know that I have failed to convince you, as you are only a bunch of unbelievers, but I still continue studying farther into the catering matter.

Leopoldo

THE END